Dear Future Girlfriend: When I’m thirsty, you’ll bring me a drink with one of those wacky twisty straws. The straw will say “i love you”, and also bend to form letters that tell me about your day. I kind of forget about the drink because i’m too wrapped up in this straw.
Dear Future Girlfriend: Nothing quite like our favorite day of the year: National Pet Day. It’s the best time to give extra love to our pet Great White Shark. We’ll name him “Chompy”.
Dear Future Girlfriend: Teased bangs, spandex, and the catalog of music by a little band called “Def Leppard” will be the entirety of one of our weekends in the future.
Dear Future Girlfriend: In your apartment, you’ll have one of those ball pits like in Chuck E Cheese’s, except it’s full of JELLY BEANS. We’ll play in it, and eat jelly beans. And we’ll laugh. OH HOW WE’LL LAUGH.
Dear Future Girlfriend: We often ponder about threatening to quit our jobs to take up our dream of becoming a traveling band that only makes music via armpit farts.
Dear Future Girlfriend: Sometimes we’ll know what kind of sandwich we were thinking of getting for lunch and bring it without asking. Now if we could only turn that trivial psychic power into picking winning lottery numbers.
Dear Future Girlfriend: Rainy Mondays are the worst. Good thing you can obliterate gray clouds with your magic Rain Chainsaw! Monday Chainsaw is still in Beta.
Dear Future Girlfriend: You cameo in a few local bands rocking out the flute from “The Legend of Zelda”. When you’re done with your solo a bird whisks you away to a far away land.
Dear Future Girlfriend: You own underwear that has little prints of my favorite foods on them. Just because. (Deep Dish Pizza print bra is my favorite).
Dear Future Girlfriend: Your pet dog is actually “Falkor” from “The Neverending Story”. We’ll ride him when we go on our infinite adventures.