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Dear Future Girlfriend:  If you happens to have a chest tattoo, I’d imagine it’d be of the Ultimate Warrior, in various poses.

Formal Attire

Dear Future Girlfriend: Any and all of my Batman t-shirts are acceptable for any and all occasions: weddings, birthdays, holidays, funerals, etc.  BATMAN.

Winter Driving

Dear Future Girlfriend: We would be in agreement that talking while driving during a winter storm is a horrible idea.  Driving a cellphone shaped car that is winterized is, however, and awesome idea.


Dear Future Girlfriend: You would make sure I never missed an SNL skit about Bill Brasky.

All I want for Xmas #3

Dear Future Girlfriend: First snow we make a “Snow Ladies Man” to drive all the Snow Ladies wild.


Dear Future Girlfriend: You’re currently hard at work with the leading soup companies figuring out how to not make it smell like curdled vomit when you open the can.

All I want for Xmas #2

Dear Future Girlfriend: If we should meet, I hope that you can combine the powers of the Xbox One and PS4 into one ultimate gaming machine for me on Xmas to make the “X Station 41”.  The ultimate gaming machine.

All I want for Xmas #1

Dear Future Girlfriend: All I want for Christmas is world peace, you, and the ability to do drum riser split kicks like David Lee Roth.  

Black Friday

Dear Future Girlfriend: We’d be spending this Black Friday trolling holiday shoppers dressed as if we were in a Norwegian Black Metal Band, complete with face makeup and blood.


Dear Future Girlfriend: If you’ll be my Liger, I’ll be your Tion.