Dear Future Girlfriend: We would be in agreement that talking while driving during a winter storm is a horrible idea. Driving a cellphone shaped car that is winterized is, however, and awesome idea.
Dear Future Girlfriend: You would make sure I never missed an SNL skit about Bill Brasky.
Dear Future Girlfriend: First snow we make a “Snow Ladies Man” to drive all the Snow Ladies wild.
Dear Future Girlfriend: You’re currently hard at work with the leading soup companies figuring out how to not make it smell like curdled vomit when you open the can.
Dear Future Girlfriend: If we should meet, I hope that you can combine the powers of the Xbox One and PS4 into one ultimate gaming machine for me on Xmas to make the “X Station 41”. The ultimate gaming machine.
Dear Future Girlfriend: All I want for Christmas is world peace, you, and the ability to do drum riser split kicks like David Lee Roth.
Dear Future Girlfriend: We’d be spending this Black Friday trolling holiday shoppers dressed as if we were in a Norwegian Black Metal Band, complete with face makeup and blood.
Dear Future Girlfriend: If you’ll be my Liger, I’ll be your Tion.
Dear Future Girlfriend: When I’m thirsty, you’ll bring me a drink with one of those wacky twisty straws. The straw will say “i love you”, and also bend to form letters that tell me about your day. I kind of forget about the drink because i’m too wrapped up in this straw.
Dear Future Girlfriend: Nothing quite like our favorite day of the year: National Pet Day. It’s the best time to give extra love to our pet Great White Shark. We’ll name him “Chompy”.